How to Train a Child to Be Emotionally Secure
By: Ellsworth E. McIntyre
You observe a happy, smiling four-year-old boy yelling, "Look, look, Mommy, at what I won today!" He holds up a toy flute and a paper with several stickers. The mother ignores her child, and in a low voice full of foreboding, she asks the teacher, "How did he do today?"
The teacher smiles brightly, while pointing to the child's hands, "He did great! Look at the prize and the badges. He's one of the best students in his reading circle. Look at these reading papers." The teacher sorts out the schoolwork from the badges, saying, "Johnny will be reading next month at the rate hers going. Hers a very bright, little guy. We are proud of him."
The mother frowns and looks puzzled. "I can't understand it. We can't get him to do anything at home."
"Well," the teacher shrugs, "hers a model student here."
The mother pushes open the door, and Johnny darts out into the parking lot,nearly under the wheels of a car. There's a horrible squeal of brakes, but all is well except Johnny is now running around and around the parking lot. She yells a threat, but then quickly grins and flashes a smile over her shoulder at the teacher standing in the doorway. The teacher understands that the mother is fearful that her yelling threats will be judged "child abuse" by the teacher or other parents within hearing distance. The teacher retreats into the building. It is better not to see the parent lose her temper. The teacher is under heavy penalty of the law to report the parents. Besides, none of the parents in the parking area knows the hotline number. The state maintains a hotline complaint line that takes calls on an "anonymous" basis. If there is a hint of anger or a slap on any part of the child's body, the concerned bystander will cheerfully report the incident to the state. It's such an attractive, cheap form of righteousness that none of them seem able to resist.
The mother fighting now for self-control trills sweetly, "Johnny, I'll get you an ice cream if you hurry, dear." Johnny hesitates for a moment and then takes a couple of laps defiantly around the car. He knows mother will get him the ice cream, no matter what. She would never disappoint him about anything.In his four long years of life, all of his wants, desires, and whims have been instantly gratified by his mother. Finally, he jumps through the open car door.Two parents standing by pretend not to be looking. They drift toward the school door. The parking lot "ring-around-the-rosy game is over for tonight. A new episode is certain to take place tomorrow. Johnny has won his daily ice cream,and he is certain to earn another tomorrow.
Our story is as common as weeds in your lawn, but one thing about the story that is different is this: Why does Johnny win prizes for being a model student at Grace Community Day Care? Why does he become a demon as he passes out the school door to submit to the care and authority of his mother? The purpose of this article is to outline the answer to these questions.
If our beleaguered school mother was able to discipline as we do at GraceCommunity, she would give praise, rewards, and love when the child does what she wants, and she would never give any positive response for unwanted behavior.She must withdraw rewards, withhold praise, and even scold (controlled admonition in a quiet voice), every time unwanted behavior continues. She must not lose her temper, and above all only reward and punish on rules known and understood by her and the child. This is not an original idea. It is found in Exodus and Leviticus. It's called the "Covenant." God promises good things for the obedient and bad things for the disobedient, and He assures us that He will act always according to His word. What is the result? Well, perfect love (or obedience, I John 4:18 and I John 5) casts out our fear. The more we obey the covenant, the more secure we become. Security is the direct result of a commonly understood contract between authority (the parent) and the child. If the contract is properly made and taught and is consistently enforced, a stable, secure child results. In other words, conditional love is the only kind of loveyou use and never, never use unconditional love. Unconditional love is nonsense. That's why the hellbound damned teach and use this advice. The Bible calls it "the counsel of the ungodly" (Psalm 1). Godly advice is according toGod's law. Right now, I suppose some readers are blinking their eyes in disbelief. Can it be true that the majority is wrong? Yes, that's exactly what I am saying. The exact opposite to the majority is most often the truth.
What should we expect? If broad is the way that leads to destruction andnarrow is the gate and path to eternal life and few there be that find it (Matt.7:13, 14), isn't the opposite view of the suicidal, disobedient world most often the way to life?
Remember the mother did promise ice cream if the child would get in the car. This doesn't work, because the imp knows he will get his ice cream anyway.(Mother is just too kind-hearted to take the ice cream away.) Please note it is better to never offer a reward in the first place, if we are too weak to take it back. If Mother continues in this weakness long enough, she will cry, "He's a good boy!" right up to the door of the gas chamber, electric chair, insane asylum or whatever the future holds for children who have never learned to obey a covenant.
Extreme, you think? Well, O.K., every child playing ring around-the parking lot will not become a murderer, but how many will have trouble keeping a marriage covenant? You see, a successful marriage is not to be built on fleeting,fickle emotion, but on the fear of breaking God's covenant. A child never taught to keep a contract will break a marriage contract, an employment contract, a business contract, or any of life's situations dependent on conditional relations. Imagine if we raised too many of these 'love' saturated, spoiled brats, what could happen? Millions of lawyers to settle an endless mountain of broken contracts, divorces, perhaps? Absorbent insurance rates, drunkenness,and worst of all, Christians who claim to be 'born again' but owe every merchant in town? Sound familiar?
At Grace Community, we seek Christians who have a spirit Godly enough to take back a reward for the glory of God. We need them to start and operate Christian daycares/schools. A college diploma is not necessary, but "one that ruleth his own home well" (I Tim. 4,5) is the indispensable credential they must have.
If you are a parent who can teach the covenant, you may want to teach such wisdom to others. Write to Nicene Press, 4405 Outer Drive, Naples, FL 34112 for a copy of my book, How to Become a Millionaire in Christian Education.
